glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
