you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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