last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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