This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
