Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
