got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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