we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
