Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
