K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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