Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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