Got a toothbrush?
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
