Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
