Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
