tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
