I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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