the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
