sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
