So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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