How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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