I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
