I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just cropdusted the office
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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