Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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