i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
