Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
