We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Everclear isn't food dammit
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
