i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
