Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
