You're my little dorito
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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