we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
