his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
