i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
