Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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