I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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