im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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