I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
