My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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