My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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