farters have to be the big spoon...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
