Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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