college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
