We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just want to make out with him forever
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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