I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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