My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
