My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
