I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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