Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
