i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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