i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I am one with the molecules
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
