And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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