At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
