Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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